I did a naughty, naughty thing, and I deserve to punished. Last night, at around 9pm, my girlfriend’s family announced in their whatsapp chat they were planning to get lunch at a pretty nice place today, around noon. I was thinking to just ignore the text and pretend I didn’t see it, but then Vici’s mom messaged me separately asking if I would like to come. Remember her? The saint? Well it just so happens that this week has been a bit busy so I saved a good chunk of academic stuff for the weekend, and like, I’m kind of in a zone here. So… I lied. I lied swiftly and without hesitation once the decision was made. And as backup, I messaged Vici (pronounced “Vick-EE”, stop being weird) my alibi, so in case her parents asked – and I wouldn’t put it past her father, Bernhard (AKA ‘The Baron’) – she would be able to corroborate me. So not only did I lie, I made the one closest to me an accessory in my crime. Anyway, I hope they all enjoyed their steak.
As for me, I enjoyed a strawberry banana smoothie for breakfast/lunch, and for dinner, I kid you not, the WORST pizza I have EVER had in my life, and I can’t even believe I’m saying that because I have had pizza in the middle of Michigan for god sakes. You ever find yourself hungry in the middle of Michigan, for the love of christ do not eat pizza. Do yourself a favor and stop into a Culvers for a butterburger and some cheese curds. What’s that? You already went to Culvers for lunch? Well go again, and then for breakfast tomorrow, too. Because that’s all you got. And this pizza I had tonight? Unforgivable. Embarrassing. I’ve found one solid pizza place here in Mainz that doesn’t try to mimic the Italians or the New-Jerseyers; they just competently make a thin crust style pizza with fresh ingredients, and you know what? I’m okay with that. I should have stuck with them. But… I got cocky, I tried to experiment. And what I got was a fibrous, huskous dough-disk covered in glogs of half melted mozzarella and uncooked tomato-shavings for the sauce. Listen, this wasn’t mediocrity. This was borderline on purpose I think. You can’t make pizza this bad on accident. I was half expecting German Ashton Kutcher to bust into my apartment and start yelling at me “Ahh, jaaa, ve just vunked you! You thought this vas vreal? ahhh” and I’d at least get a gift card or something. But honestly this was so bad that I might’ve Zach-Braffed the situation and verbally abused everyone around me.
So yeah, I’m pretty sure some dude in a parked car made himself a nice little fake restaurant account on Lieferando (Germany’s doordash), and drove off with my petty cash while I tried to ingest his styrofoam pizza. Good times. Truth be told, I will not forget this day, and for all the wrong reasons.
See you tomorrow.
Nick
Nick Denardi 